 |
| Kristen eventually escaped an abusive relationship and focused on rebuilding stability for herself and her children. |
After fourteen years of marriage, Kristen believed she understood the contours of her life—her family, her faith, and the spiritual tradition that had shaped her since childhood. But when her husband disclosed that he was gay, the revelation marked not a single breaking point, but the culmination of a long and largely unseen unraveling of her testimony.
Kristen had been raised firmly within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, immersed in its teachings, culture, and expectations. By all outward appearances, her life reflected stability and devotion. Yet beneath that surface, she says, her faith had been quietly eroding for years.
“I didn’t lose my testimony in one moment,” Kristen later reflected. “It had already been slipping away.”
When Intellect Replaced Faith
Kristen says her spiritual foundation was already fragile. The disclosure did not initiate her faith crisis; it compounded one already in motion.
As an adult, Kristen began to rely increasingly on intellect rather than spiritual practice. Prayer gave way to analysis; revelation was replaced by research. When her husband began questioning the Church’s teachings and the restored gospel, she responded not by turning to God, but by assuming the role of investigator and defender.
Determined to resolve doubts through scholarship, she immersed herself in historical and academic sources. Over time, however, the approach had the opposite effect. Searching for certainty through evidence alone, she found her belief in the Restoration—and in Joseph Smith—growing weaker rather than stronger.
By the time her husband came out, Kristen says her spiritual foundation was already fragile. The disclosure did not initiate her faith crisis; it compounded one already in motion.
Losses That Followed
What followed was a period of profound upheaval. Kristen and her husband chose to remove their names from Church records and stopped attending services altogether. Soon after, her life began to unravel in rapid succession.
Her father—whom she describes as her closest confidant and best friend—passed away. Overwhelmed by grief and disoriented by the collapse of her marriage and faith, Kristen turned to alcohol to numb the pain. The coping mechanism spiraled into dependency, culminating in a mental health crisis that left her hospitalized.
By her own account, she had lost nearly everything that once anchored her identity: her marriage, her faith, her sense of self, and any feeling of spiritual safety.
A Dream That Would Not Fade
It was during this season that something shifted again. Her children began asking to be baptized.
One month after her father’s death, Kristen experienced a vivid and unexpected dream. In it, her father delivered a simple but puzzling message: “Joseph Smith is a friend.”
At the time, the words made little sense. Kristen did not know how to interpret them, and she did not act on the experience. Still, the message lingered—unresolved, but unforgettable.
Years passed. Kristen eventually escaped an abusive relationship and focused on rebuilding stability for herself and her children. It was during this season that something shifted again. Her children began asking to be baptized.
Their questions awakened a quiet but persistent longing—a sense of wanting to “come home” spiritually, even as doubts remained.
A Prayer After a Decade of Silence
After nearly ten years without sincere prayer, Kristen finally knelt and spoke to God. She did not ask for answers or explanations. Instead, she offered a simple admission: she was tired of doing life alone.
What followed, she says, felt unmistakable.
Missionaries appeared without her requesting a visit. Passages of scripture seemed to respond directly to questions she had not voiced aloud. Longstanding doubts softened, not through debate or evidence, but through spiritual impressions she described as gentle and patient.
Kristen began to understand that faith, for her, had to be rebuilt differently—anchored first in Jesus Christ, rather than in argument or intellect alone.
“I had to learn again how to become like a child,” she said, “and let Christ teach me what scholarship never could.”
Rebuilt, Not Replaced
When I finally turned back to Him,” Kristen said, “I found my way home.
Over time, Kristen describes her testimony being reconstructed through small, consistent experiences: dreams, scripture study, family history work, and what she calls “constant tender mercies.” The new foundation felt humbler than before, but also stronger—less concerned with proving and more focused on trusting.
Eventually, she chose to be baptized again.
The decision, she emphasizes, was not a declaration that life had become easy or uncomplicated. Rather, it was an acknowledgment that, through years of distance and doubt, Jesus Christ had never stopped reaching for her.
“When I finally turned back to Him,” Kristen said, “I found my way home.”
1 Comments
Beautiful! Welcome home sister!
ReplyDeletePlease Don't Spam!